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Stolen Yarns

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Girls and Cars

 *singing* She no want designer, she no want ferari..... *weaves slap! dodges blow, blocks bullet* 
Ahaaan! Wait first! No be me sing the song now! 

I'm sure by now we all agree that Davido lied! Well for more information you can watch the Naija Babes response to the song (by my brother  Emma OhmaGod) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sflEcUGOChE

But my major question now is "Whats it with Naija babes and cars?''  Make den no just see man with car keys!! What of those guys that are stiill hussling? What should happen to them? A guy can be ugly as hell, but as soon as hes driving an SUV he suddenly develops "inner beauty" Nowadays you can hardly find a girl that wants to date a guy that doesnt have a car! Hardly!!! Infact you stand a better chance of seeing Maheeda with her clothes on than seeing a girl with a carless guy!

Infact some girls are so engrossed in this that they lose their sense of judgement! They see it as some form of prerequisite for a relationship. Some days ago, they asked one girl for her favourite sport! She said "RANGE ROVER". Thats how bad it is now o!!

Not just cars! Money!! I've seen girls that date criminals! Throwing morals into the wind!! One girl met one guy that told her he's into drugs!! Instead of this girl to take to her heels, she rather stuck to her hills! DRUG BARON! She even went about telling her friends that her boyfriend is INTO DRUGS! She jumped at the guy! Gave the guy her time and BODY!  After 6months the guy took tthe girl to his "CHEMIST" (small scale pharmacy) in Ajegumle where he sells panadol, Vit c and ALABUKUN! "OMG i thought you said you were into Drugs??" 'Eheen! Panadol na paint?'


Now whats making this trend more dangerous for guys is that they now expect this cars as GIFTS!!! Imagine! I overheard a girl breaking up with her boyfriend over the phone.  She was really crying o! This is what I heard her say:


"Ah Bayo, you are a useless boyfriend! Infact you are now my EX! What didnt you do? Is Lola's boyfriend not your mate? Were you not there on her birthday when he gave her the KEYS to a brand new Range Rover? Is Busola's husband not your mate! Didn't you hear that he gave her the KEYS to a duplex in Lekki? But you!!!! You! what did you give me on my birthday? The KEYS to your heart!! wetin I  wan take am do! Your heart na Ferari?"












I would like to seize this medium to join all well meaning Nigerians in the clamor for the safe release of our 234 girls! Its been 2weeks! We need our future leaders! I'm not Yerima, but I want our girls back! Lets all not get tired of praying for our country! God bless Nigeria! #BringBackOurGirls 




                                                                                                          


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PROPOSAL


 Immediately you saw this title, if the first thing that came to your mind is "BUSINESS PROPOSAL", then, my brother, you are really hungry o! All I can say to you is "Jehovah God will do it!" (you know there is a level a man's suffering would get to that he can't afford to call God one name!) But if, on the other hand, immediately you saw the title the first thing that came to your mind is "MARRIAGE PROPOSAL" , even though you are right, my sister, YOU DON RIPE FOR MARRIAGE O! Well all I can say to you is, "JEHOVAH GOD OF HEAVEN THAT CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH will do it for you"

Welbeck to the mata (Well back to the matter), In recent times, for some reason, I've witnessed a couple of marriage proposals live! Maybe God is trying to tell me something. I've seen men really pull some romantic stunts o! RANGEing from buying cars,planning with the organisers of a show to actually collecting the mic and proposing, or even interrupting a movie in the cinema!! Hmmmm! Wonders shall never cease (like a village gossip in a Nolly-wood flick). What if she says NO? I was watching one on TV sef! The guy said he wanted to propose so the presenters helped out! Hmmmm! The last time I heard such an emphatic NO was 15years ago when I asked my father if I could go and see my female friend! ON TV (no not ONTV i meant ON TV!!) If na me,  Its either I kill her or I commit suicide. But there must be a death.
The one that got to me was that of Peter (or Paul of Psquare sha) who bought a RANGE ROVER! No be dat wan pain me o! He now ASKED her "Will you marry me?" See what women have turned us to! What is she going to say? NO?? If she says NO then definitely she would have accident with that car! The car would be intact o, but she would die!! If me I buy moto for a babe, even if na "picanto", the question I would ask would be "Which month should our wedding be?" Not to now talk of Range!



But on a serious note, one thing I know is, my own proposal would be very unique (if you are a lady, thats one reason I should be your husband).  Ladies love creativity! And I believe, if you really love your woman then you should try to honor her with a unique wedding proposal! I plan on doing something that has never been done before! I mean a marriage proposal that is entirely novel. Do you mind me sharing my wonderful proposal fantasy here? I knew you would say I should go ahead! Ole! You want to steal it! Weeeellll I would share it all the same. But please I beg you dont steal it!

I plan on proposing while driving. Me and her in the car. I want a romantic song in the background so I would slot in a Terry G CD (RUN MAD would be the ideal track but, really, any Terry G track would suffice). So while this romantic track is playing, I would make sure I drive moderately (Romantically) and then start off a  conversation about how I really love her and how I wanna be with her forever. Then I would tell her of how I LOSE CONTROL easily every time I get disappointed. At this time, I make sure I  drive in between 2 big trailers. One on my left and the other on my right! RUN MAD still playing in the background!! Guess what? At this point..........I pop the question! "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" If I hear say she no shout "YES!" with "BLOOD OF JESUS" to seal it sef!!

 Well this is my proposal master plan! Like I said earlier "please I beg you, don't steal it!"










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Tuesday, 26 November 2013

BBM

This life is not fair sha! The way somethings would just reign and reign with so much impunity and then, after some time, fade off still baffles me! I remember Hi5 ! If you were not on Hi5 ehhnn, you were a slacker! Now, where is Hi5 now? Who is even on hi5 now sef? Anyways I heard you can find Baba Fryo and Daddy Fresh there sha. Now almost the same misfortune is befalling Facebook. Facebook that time was every youth's shoulder to lean on! But now, twitter has relieved Facebook of  that duty. By the way, I know why young people lost interest in Facebook. Ever since our fathers and mothers started joining Facebook, there has been an exodus from the social network. People are running from their parents. So watch your back twitter, our parents are coming for you! Really the way parents encroached Facebook ehhn!
I remember chatting with one babe on Facebook a few years back! I was just getting to know her .  I was spitting lines o! Chyking the babe! Then I told her to send me her pictures. Only for me to discover that it was my mum! So you get why I dont really use Facebook again. Now its market women that use Facebook! You mean you dont know? Market women have customized Facebook o!They have changed all those abbreviations to suit theirs now. They cant use 'lol' na! They use RAS - Rerin Alariwo Sita!  In the market, I heard one shouting EFPMK! I asked what it meant, she said 'Erin Fe Pa Mi Ku' Thats their LWKMD!

And yet this trend doesn't stop there! BBM is almost getting a piece of the unfortunate cake too! Wey BB don  dey Techno now! kai! But I am a huge BBM fan anyways! BB actually saved a lot of people from boredom! You would see a lady that has no friend! Absolutely no friend in life! But she would not see any other phone to buy but BB! She would now have only ONE contact! One contact on her BBM! The painful part is that she would still be sending BC! Her BC would now be like message and her message would be like broadcast! Smh! If we thought we saw abbreviations on Facebook, then we weren't prepared for the acronyms BBM had to offer! BBM and twitter collaborated to make this generation the laziest so far! In the days of our fathers! In the 70s they were very wordy. You will hear a sentence like "I am quite hungry". In the 80s they got lazier "I am hungry". In the 90s we thought the were lazy "I dey hung". But from 2000 we started hearing "I dey H" . Ladies and gentlemen, am afraid for our children o!  What would we hear "I dey.....". They would just go mute!

Now on BBM someone can just send you a full greeting without writing a word. Just abbreviations! On my birthday, one Yoruba man sent me a message "HBD LLNP GBU GGMUB IJN KLMJ" I knew the meaning of the other ones apart from the last one! So I had to ask what it meant then he said that was the most important part of the message "Ki La Ma Je" (what would we eat). That was when I knew he was a Yoruba man. But in this very 'abridged' generation, some set of people that I love so much would still prefer to write in full! You know them na! Yes am talking about the pastors! I have them on my contacts too! I dont really know why they dont shorten words! I just its not that the more you shorten words the more your life would... no no it cant be! Some of us for don die for bele! You would always know a pastor's BB message! Note that I said message not broadcast o. My pastor friend would want to greet me on BBM, this is what I would see:
"Calvary greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord that died for you and me. I trust you are doing great! If so, glory be to God! Hallelujah! My purpose for PINGING you on this very day, the 26th of November 2013 is to ask how you are! I have not set my eyes on you in a long time so am pinging to check on you. Stay strong in the faith! God bless you! Looking forward to your reply soon. Yours in the Faith, Pst Femi Badmus."

But I always just love the Yorubas! Its only a Yoruba man that would still have H-factor on BB chat! No jokes (in Julius Agwu's Voice) Check this Pic out! I had to change the name of the guy so as not to digrace him!




Now to my main reason for this post! There is a burden in my heart and I want to let it all out! On BBM ehn boys can lie! Let me tell you what I used to do before. I would go on Google and search for "Pretty girls pictures" Then I would download plenty pictures of fine babes! Almost every day I would put one of the pictures up as DP and on my Pm I would write something like "Thanks hun for showing up today! Had so much fun!" "Or it was  great hanging out with you darl" Girls that I didnt know from Adam! Most of them are not even Nigerians! Guys used to respect me! They would just be pinging me to organise babe for them. I loved the attention men! Until one day I just used this fine girl's picture.





Then I updated my pm as usual "Thanks baby for showing up at my doorstep and singing with me! Sure had a great time! See you tomorrow like you promised. *KISS*"

(Now crying) I just noticed that my contacts started deleting me one after the other without even saying goodbye. Me that I had almost a thousand contacts all of a sudden, just had barely 10 and out of the 10, 9 of them are not functional. Only for me to get a call from RIM that they want to delete me too! 

So right now *wipes tears* i want to publicly apologise to my gone contacts to please come back! I didnt know it was Aaliyah (the yankee musician that apparently died 12years ago). Please forgive me *crying* I wont do it again!













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Have a blessed and favored filled week!!! 
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Interested People Please!!! Pink Crystal Cares















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BIRTHDAY THANKS



I know this is coming pretty late but, like they say, its better late than never!

Where would I start from o! Is it the plethora of mentions I got on twitter from my wonderful friends, or the deluge of messages and phone calls I recieved from very wonderful people! Or the numerous pings I recieved that day! Kai my phone suffered sha! Thank you all for the love!

Those that know me know that am not someone that likes celebration and party and cake and all! But this my last birthday was a little bit of an exception thanks to my oga at the top himself Omobaba No 1. As a lot of you must have known, Unknot Your Tie with Omobaba (a Comedy Club) holds every Wednesday at Rodizzio. My birthday fell on a Wednesday and Omobaba decided to show me some love! Yes! I celebrated my baiday at Unknot Your Tie! It was a birthday special! So at this juncture I would like to thank Omobaba no1 himself!  Wanna thank Gt the Guitarman for singing me a birthday song! Awesome voice (no homo)! My big bro, Seyilaw also was on hand to make my day! Lafup and De don were just awesome! And baba himself, Gbenga Adeyinka the 1st presided over the cutting of the cake, prayed for me and even gave me baiday gift! God go make you... sorry God bless you sir! And the whole Unknot Your Tie crew! God Bless you!

Here are a few pics! You can eat you cake from here and still have it! lol










































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Saturday, 12 October 2013

Family Planning

So some people still believe that the larger your family, the more the respect! Thank God for my dad sha! Very wise Ijebu man! Just 2 boys....sorry 2 fine boys shikena! Just myself and my elder brother! But my brother left us in 2009 though! It was a sad period for me but I got consolation from the fact that he left us for a better place (sad face).

 But thank God he's back now! Thank God for the years he spent in England! Wait... what were you thinking? Is England not a better place?

Speaking of my brother I remember our "growing-up" days! When my brother and I would share one small bed like that! He would still be sleeping like superman! Stretching his body to the widest possible width which always throws me out of the bed! So for years, I would sleep on the bed and wake up on the floor! I used to fall so hard that I would inevitably wake up with a headache! So as time went on instead of waiting for the day I would pick up the pieces of my broken head, after evening devotion, I would just go straight to sleep on the floor instead of  the bed! When my father asked why I didn't sleep on the bed, I replied philosophically, "he that is down needs fear no fall"! So I wasn't surprised when the following morning he bought me a very fine helmet! So I started sleeping on the bed again!

On the flip side of things, my neighbour's father (who is also my neighbor! rme) wasn't that wise! 3 wives, several concubines and plenty children! He did not even know his kids off-hand! He would see one and say "Paul". The boy would reply,
 'No daddy! Peter'!
"But how come you look like Paul so much?"
'Maybe because we are Identical twins!'
"Really! I have a set of twins! I didn't know!"

Such was the kind of life that obtained there! When the man couldn't take it anymore, he made it mandatory for all his family members to walk around with ID cards on their necks for easy identification!


I remember that family ruined our childhood fun a lot of times! One prominent one I can never forget was the one that had to do with Santa Claus! Now you know Santa Claus, abroad, goes house to house to deliver gifts to children! Have you ever wondered why that doesn't happen in Nigeria? Its because of this family! Santa tried it and that was the last time he did! When Santa came to our street, the first door he knocked on was this my neighbour's! He carried the gifts in his red bag as usual! Smiling and ready to make kids happy with his gifts! One of the mothers opened the door! And Santa goes 'Hey! I have something for your children!" If only he knew where he was! So the mother shouted "KUNDUS!!! go and call your siblings o! Someone wants to give you something!" In Santa's mind: max 3 siblings! Then they started coming one by one! Santa was giving the gifts one by one! Santa noticed that he had given about ten children! Now his big smile had degenerated into a wide grimace! Then his big bag began to deflate! Now for the first time in my entire life, I heard Santa Claus speak Yoruba " Ejo Won ki n tan ni?" (meaning Abeg they no dey finish?) The mother replied "That's my  last child you are attending to" Santa was relieved! The mother continued "but we still have children of 2 other mothers in the house!" 
"Ahhh! You know what ma! Just take the bag! "
That's how Santa went back home empty handed! The next time Santa came! He knocked the door! And the same mother answered and goes "Ohh let me go and get the kids" Santa smiled and said "No now am asking for Parents only!"














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Friday, 27 September 2013

REALITY SHOWS





Except, of course, you live in a very remote village in Nigeria, you will agree with me that we live in a world of reality shows! BBA, Ultimate search, Maltina Dance All, X-factor, Project Fame to mention a few. Let me even start with  BBA sef!Shout out to Melvin of Big Brother o! Wonderful guy sha! Just that, that guy and Usain Bolt we no no who dey run pass! Runner up in Mr Nigeria, Runner up in Ultimate search, Runner up in BBA! Then Nigeria's other representative Ada Beverly Osu!Hmmmm! She behave so tey, even Flavour had to sing for her! "ADA ADA! OOOOOOHH"! Flavour that normally only makes sounds in his songs "Kirikata!" "kporopotokporopotokporokpotokpomkpomkpom"! No wonder Ice-prince saw her and sang "Oleku"! Nobody understood what he meant! Back to Beverly jare!Nigerians sha! They wont just let her be! Now they have turned her name to an adverb that it actually sounds like! e.g "The girl danced  berverly last night!" "The pastor sent her out because she dressed beverly to church!" "She must be tired, she was beverlied last night!" etc!

Of course we all know how stressful and excruciating the auditions for these shows could get! Especially the talent shows i.e Project fame, X-factor, Naija sings.. sorry  Naija sang (cos its like they dont do it again). Watching some of these auditions can make you almost die of laughter o! Then you begin to wonder, what actually made some people come out for a singing competition! Thats how one went for audition for Peak Talent hunt (sponsored by peak milk) and he got there and was singing "Oyoyoyoyoyo our milk" (cowbell's hit track)! It was bouncers that chased him away from the premises! That's like shelling in an interview for a job in Chevron!! Who does that?



Well, you can also defend some! And say maybe they are chasing them from their various villages! How else can you explain this particular comment from a judge after a great music performance! 

"Wow! Fantastic performance! I love your voice texture! I love your stage presence! Your stage craft was on point! You started well and your ending was off the hook! I am very very impressed I must say! But for me, its a NO!"
If you ask me I think that candidate needs to wash his head in River Niger!

And reality shows increase every year almost at a geometric rate! Years back it was just music! Now there is dance ("Maltina Dance All"), business ("Dragon's Den") , acting ("The Spirited Actor"), search ("Ultimate Search")! I heard they even want to start one in the north ... "Keep The fire Burning" dont ask me what its about abeg! 

Even though reality shows are on the increase, they still haven't been able to match the very high demand for them! Nowadays the same people that go for Project Fame auditions go for that of Ultimate Search, and also Maltina Dance All! Nowadays young people dont even know what the show is about before they enter the competition! That's how one of my friends entered for one reality show! In fact he entered for every show that year! Thy just called for auditions and he went as usual! He didn't even read what the show was about or the title but he just felt it was dance!! It was when he arrived at the venue of the audition and he saw blood on the floor and heard people crying that it dawned on him to check the flier very well! Behold the title: 

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DIE! -1st prize all expense paid trip to heaven!

Ladies and gentlemen, he won the competition!!



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Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Letter Of an Unborn Child


                                                                                       New Products Department,
                                                                                                            Golden Lane, Abraham Bustop
                                                                                                       Heaven
The King of Kings
Mansion 1
Heaven

Dear Lord

                                                       Letter Of Appeal
God why?????

One of Your angels came to our department today and said that it's my turn to go to the world!  I was very happy! Knowing  that my long time female friend left only last Sunday for the family of the Wests in America! I am sure you remember her! She was the one you made with so much clay at the back and in front just like you made her mother! I was excited that I would finally go and join her! At least we can continue what we have started, since You dont allow such here in heaven! So I was getting ready to go o, before your angel now gave me the address! Am sure that your angel is not Gabby because Gabby normally brings good news! Thank God I opened the address o! I know you are my creator and you want the best for me but I dont understand this address:
1st room,  2nd Bridge, Isale Ora off Konidafunyalayawon  Ajegunle Lagos, Nigeria!! And the Angel said am supposed to be born to one Kundus Salawu, the Permanent Secretary of Ajegunle Agbero Association who  got Sikiratu that sells paraga in the garage pregnant months back! 
So of all the Perm Secs in Nigeria. its  the Permanent Secretary of AAA you brought me to???



Why Lord? Have I ever done anything wrong to you? I even worship you with the angels and the elders every day! What happened to being a 'Gates' or a 'Becham'. Even if you wanted to send me to Nigeria, what happened to Dangote's children! Or at worst, cant I just be one of Tu face's children? (wipes tears) .  Yes one of Tu face's kids! At least I know that every year I celebrate my birthday, I will appear on Linda Ikeji's blog! Imagine,I saw video clips of Salawu from Your archive on our intranet! Its disastrous! Did You see the way he beat that his son that he had few years back! One day, he beat the boy mercilessly till the boy stopped breathing! Still Salawu didnt stop! Salawu continued to beat the boy till he cried back to life! That boy started eating eba after 2 months o! You saw the way he ran away now! He's now one of the top bus conductors in ajegunle! If only he knows that its his father that impregnated his wife! Is this the kind of life you want for me?

God isn't there something we can do? Me I cant go there o! I prefer to be an imbecile in Ikoyi than a sharp ajegunle boy! Wait a minute, that boy Davido, with the way he has been jumping around cant You just punish him with me! Let me be his punishment! Let me be his Gobe o Lord! I dont mind! I would become an instant star! Lord please I would appreciate it if you can reply me fast! Because this woman is in labor  and if you dont do anything,she would just die because me am not going anywhere near that place o! See the hospital sef! Its candle they are using to deliver me.. sorry the baby - No LIGHT!! God I know your plans for me are good not evil! Take me to Davido or better still take me overseas! See fine potential fathers Usher Raymond, Obama, Lionel Messi, Brad Pitt, Elton John...no not Elton John!  But not Salawu! You can even make me a Dog in America but not a Salawu in Ajegunle! (Cries)

Thanks for your anticipated reply!

Yours in distress

Kabiru Olowu Salawu






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