RED CARD, A Lady's Master Card! - MY RED CARD STORY

For the men, I just have one question to ask, have you ever received a RED CARD before? Come on! You know am not talking about soccer! Duhhh!  I mean Red card! OK let me cut the euphemism! Babe don tell you NO before? Am sure your response will be a big NO! Liarsssssssssssssssssssss! Every man must have tasted that thing called Red card! Whether in primary school, high school, university or even in church! Yes Church!! One girl gave my guy a straight red in church right on the aisle! And he just looked embarrassingly at the altar as if to say "Dude men! you didn't just let that happen!" But truth be told, you must have gotten a NO before! Maybe you just didn't know! Ladies have become very crafty and skillful about this act! They tell you NO and you, MUMU will still feel good!

I have noticed too that men have found a way of concealing a RED  CARD from their fellow guys! Have you noticed that  if a guy has been tracking a babe for a while and all of a sudden he backs off and you are wondering what happened- actually... RED CARD HAPPENED! But if you ask him, he would never tell you he was bounced! LAILAI!That's when he would suddenly discover that they are related! If you go, "Guy how far Tracy na?" he goes " Tracy! No I wasn't on her P o! C moon she's my cousin na!"  Omo she must have been your best cousin o! That is why you bought her BB 10 meanwhile your own Bold 1 is even getting shy! MTCHEEEWW

But girls you people are wicked sha! While some very nice ones come up with reasonable excuses just so you wont feel bad, others actually give that RED CARD like Collina! You know that there's a way a girl will say NO that the guy will beat her! In her life she will never say NO again! Then there is this annoying one some say! 'Its not you, its me!' That's the biggest lie ever told by a woman after high hills! One fine girl that I know says that one a lot! She used that line for 5 guys! They all believed! They were so happy and proud of their lives! It was when they were gisting among themselves that they discovered that they had been duped!

I know what's on your mind now! Me nko? Haven't I chopped Red before? Omo me I am Balotelli o! I remember my secondary school love! Oh I loved this girl like crazy! I loved this girl to the extent that I mistakenly wrote her name on my exam answer sheet! What? Dont blame me! Her name sounded so much like Oluwaponmile! OK maybe not so much! But I was really tripping for her! I even wrote a song for her sef!!! Kai! I don mumu for this life o! Obsession was an understatement!  But as obsessed as I was, you wont believe that I never said a word to her! Each time I open my mouth to talk to her nothing comes out! LOVE NWATINTIN! Everybody knew that I could kill for her! Yes I actually did that once! Yes I killed for her! Dont look at me like that! One cockroach was running towards her so I killed it and gave a heroic smile! I dont think I had felt that good in my life! But, ladies and gentle men, that did not stop my red card!

That fateful day! If I had known, (wipes tears) , I would have gone home earlier! But NO! I was forming I would watch over her till she goes home! You go fear SSS now! Then she sent her friend to call me! A whole me! SLK! Apparently she had been hearing about my obsession and wanted to hear from the HORSE'S mouth! Emi lo pe lesin yen o!! I walked like a student entering the staff room after failing a test! I stood in front of her like Peter at the Mount of transfiguration! 'I heard that you have been saying stuff like you like me! I have noticed that you have been starring at me a lot! So I would like to hear what you have to say' , she said! But me sef I did not try o! I used to stare at her like a lion stares at its prey! In fact there is no way you would stare at a human being like that that the person's shape will not change! You know there is a way you will stare at a lady, with the kind of thoughts in your mind', that she would get pregnant immediately! Anyways back to my gist, that till date has been my most difficult interview! From nowhere, I don't know what opened up the pores on my face! I began to perspire profusely like an ileya ram! "Em mm! i just wanted to say that..emm i like you and......I like you" Please note, when I said 'and' I actually wanted to say something different, but my brain literarily stopped working! Maybe the part of the brain that was supposed to think immediately started sweating too! She herself couldn't believe that was all I had to say! Then came the most dreaded RED CARD! "Well (wait for it) it DEFINITELY CANT WORK! COS THERE IS NO CHEMISTRY BETWEEN US" That was not all she said, but that's all I heard and needed to hear! Even after she left! I still stood there, apparently transfigured  I couldn't move, I couldn't talk but I was just sweating! Thank God for my friends that took me to a safe place and started fanning me! Well ladies and gentlemen the Red card didn't affect me oh *wipes tears* , but that was the last time I passed CHEMISTRY in my life! 

This, friends, is my Red card story! Would love to hear yours!

A young lady manages to hide her ugly childhood past from her friends and struggles with the negative effect on her life. Unknown to her, what seems to be just a knock from a stranger, becomes her healing.
(Well instead of writing another fiction story for my website, I decided to visualize it this time. Yea yea, there are flaws but it will only get better. Follow this link, watch and get inspired!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT7ppVJITEc

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Wonderful video written by SLK directed by Akin Akinrinade. Really hilarious! A Laff Therapy Production! Enjoy, Download and share!

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The Day I Bombed.........

N.B: Have you noticed that it is when a typical Nigerian is telling you a sad story that pained him well, that he begins to refer to you as his relative or member of his family even if you haven't met him in your life! For example:





One of the best feelings on earth, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, is the feeling you get when you stand on stage and watch people die of laughter because of what you said a few minuites ago! All the hair on your body stands at attention at that feat! You know I know that feeling well! *winks*! On the flipside of the coin, the worst feeling in the world is what you get after you speak to people and instead of laughing as you intended, they start nodding, taking notes or even crying! You now turn a comedy show into a motivational speech! Pastors do this a lot to cover up their debacle when they crack a joke that did not hit! What they say to break the silence is "....so what am I trying to say?" Are you asking me? No be you talk? "What am trying to say is.... "  Na lie! You were not trying to say anything! You crack joke we no laff!! For comedians, we try to cover up a failed joke by quickly switching to a more reliable joke! And we make a statement immediately after the failed joke "That one no even pain me!" Its a lie na! E pain you na! How e no go pain you when we no laff!

However, slightly worse than this is the feeling you get when you are BOOOOOOOEEEDDD, clapped or, worse still, sung out of stage! Trust me you dont know the half of it! You feel like rapture should take place! Not so that you can go to heaven o, but just so that your booeeers should go to the lake of fire! This phenomenon is what is called, in comedy register, BOMBING! MY BRETHREN, may you never expreience this in Jesus Name! Please if you didnt say amen I beg you please do! Ahhhhh! Yorubas say "eni ija o ba ni npe ra e lokurin" (its he who has never fought that calls himself a man)! MY SIBLINGS, this thing had never happened to me since I started comedy until last week o! (cleans tears).It wasnt funny o (duhh I bombed)! Even the boko boys were scared of me! Ok it wasnt that bad but it was bad! My friend told me I spent 5minutes but I argued with him because, to me, I spent about an hour! Those must have been the longest 5minutes of my life! The devil is so wicked that time begins to slow down! I dropped the fist joke, I thought they didnt hear (actually they didnt even pay attention), then after the second one I heard my echo! Then the devil just makes you feel that you can redeem your image and that's when you begin to step into the boo region! I felt like Jesus Christ at that moment and i felt they were shouting, "crucify him!" because i had gotten a standing ovation from the same audience a couple of weeks back and also on another occasion a round of applause!

But like Chris Rock once said, never blame your audience! I take the blame even though i cracked the same jokes somewhere else the next day and it worked so well! Apparently that day, I was called up just after they had a sex talk with the MC and the previous comedian! And I don't talk sex! So I was saddled with the onerous task of bringing them back to sanity which I failed in badly!!! It was like trying to give "agbo" (herbal mixture) to a child that just took ice-cream! It was a long drive home that night! MY COUSINS, if you could hear my thoughts you would laugh me to scorn! I was now doubting whether this comedy thing is really my thing! Maybe daddy is right! Or maybe God is punishing me for my numerous sins! But like Dave Chapelle said about his bombing at the Apollo theater, that was a redefining moment for me!! Of course I leveraged on that disappointment to superlative performance the next day! MY FATHERS AND MOTHERS, once beaten twice shy! No matter what happened, I still love my jokes!!

Lessons Learnt

The fact that Lionel Messi didnt score in one match does not mean he's not the World's Best Player!
Never be too carried away by success always remember that there's a flip-side to the coin! And when that comes, let it push you to achieving great things!
Let me close with one of my favorite quotes...."the feeling of rejection should not weigh you down but should spur you into ensuring that those that reject you now would come looking for you tomorrow!".....SLK 2012 
















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PLAYING WITH NAMES

Hello peeps! This is just one topic I started on twitter a couple of weeks back! Just a parody of some of the names we bear! We expect names to reflect on our lives but hey...they usually don't!  Do you know how many POOR RICHards I know? So please enjoy and feel free to add any if you wish! Just make sure the owners of the names don't locate you! I no send you message o!!

• The fact that your name is WEMIMO, does not mean you wont have body odor! 
• I have now noticed that most poor people have "OWO" (money) or "OLA" (wealth) in their names! I met one that had not eaten for 2 days! I asked him for his name he said "FOWOROLA" (USE MONEY TO BUY WEALTH)! Am like dude use that money to buy you a meal!! That's like trekking on the streets with your shirt saying "MY MONEY GROWS LIKE GRASS". My brother na that grass you go chop die!
• Of course we all know that KONGA is not WELL!
• Dont think that because your babe's name is "PELUMI' (with me), when your money finishes, she would stay with you! That's when you would know that her middle name is BOLT!
• Well am sure we all know now that VIRGINia is just a name....nothing more!
• One building collapsed in my area last week! Heard that the architect made a mistake in the design! Guess the architect's name..... Mr BANKOLE!
• The fact that your BOSS' name is MOSES does not mean he loves his STAFF
• I have now noticed that most of the stingy people I know bear "FUNMI" (give me)
• The fact that her name is LOLa does not mean she Laughs Out Loud!
• I have noticed that everybody that bears SEGUN is always fine.... wait a minute ...sorry ...i just remembered something! Please ignore that! That was a mistake!!!

          

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MC GARDEN EGG

MC GARDEN EGG!! ANOTHER RADIO SKIT YOU MUST BE CONVERSANT WITH ALREADY!  VERY HILLARIOUS!

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SLK LYING UNILAG BABE

YOU MUST HAVE HEARD THIS ON RADIO NOW YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO HEAR THIS FOR YOURSELF, DOWNLOAD AND SPREAD!

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BIRTHDAY SPECIAL

Yeah wonderful people!! A few days ago happened to be my birthday! At least that's what my mother told me! I guess she knows better! First of all I would like to thank you all for your messages, dms,pms, pings etc! And for some, na only insult then see insult!! Na wa o! They would do the same for you too o! One girl after hearing that it was my birthday shouted ' Ahh so you were born?'! Ehen! I was vomitted! Otondo!

But una harsh o! Dear readers! You wont believe it that I didnt get one single card like this! Kai! Friends are rare o! Instead people just kept on asking, Where is the party? Where is my share of the cake? As if they are stake holders in my life! Your share of the cake ko! Do i look like Nigeria to you! But I believe you guys are happy now! Abi! You girls that wanted to kill me with 'where is my cake and where is my that'! Now I am drinking... sorry soaking garri as I am blogging and for the rest of the week! You are happy now! See girls ordering foods that they have never eaten in their entire lives! And that they would never eat till they die o! They used my birthday to do excursion! Ahhh! E gba mi o! Mo ma se birthday daran ke! Out of frustration I almost wanted to say I wasn't really born that day! Only me wan deny my date of birth! But girls are wicked o! One said she only wanted snacks! I was really happy! I felt that would cut costs! My people, if you see what this aunty ordered!! Na me kon de beg am! 'why not just buy raw flour ehn!' These are the kinda girls my mother warned me about! Awon kokoro ajenirun!!

I know what I would do next year by God's grace! Na from Congo I go de receive una pings! At least nobody sabi me for dia! If you ask me where the party is i would set you up! I would just give you the address of the nearest KFC! I would tell you to order anything you want that I am on my way! Trust these olojukokoro girls! they would go! Ahhh! They would wash plates sha! After that time anybody wey de do birthday den go de run from am!! Eni to ma da gbese si lorun lo n wa!!( takes another scoop of garri with tears)!

Let me go back to my garri before it swells more than this! I just felt I should share my predicament with my readers! I know you are thinking its paining me! Its not paining me o! I just know that God is on the throne and all of you will still do birthday! Noo! me am not crying o (wipes eyes and takes another scoop)! Am not crying am only shedding tears! They are two different things! 

Anyways thank you very much for the love you showed me on my birthday o! They would show you the same kind of love IJN! (Wipes tears) God bless you o!

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